When I blog about my personal disability, I usually focus on the cerebral palsy or dyslexia. They're much more comfortable topics for me. In some ways, they're kind of external... more so than mental health. I have discussed anxiety before where I discuss anxiety nausea. That kind of comes from my C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
You see, everyone has fears. Right? The fear of arachnids or rodents are common amongst people. Healthy-minded people with the right dose of anxiety will see the thing that they're afraid of, act with their flight, fight or freeze response, and then return to normal as the "danger" passed. What might not happen for these people is their brain constantly scanning for the "danger" because the brain believes its better being aware it's there than not.
My brain scans. An awful lot. And I have a lot of fears. I fear most anthropoids, loose hair, germs. Sometimes it's so bad that the idea of reusing a spoon I just put into my mouth to scoop up a second serving causes me to heave. Imagine that.
It was only after attending talking therapy that it was suggested to me, both by my support mentor (who is a trained counsellor) and by the therapists that I may have C-PTSD. I'm still looking into this, but I did attend Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) to battle the anxiety over the years.
Problems with CBT
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure CBT works for some people. People whose fear response isn't caused or tightened by trauma. Confronting the fear in steps, then, might work. For me, it worked sometimes and not others. The first set of 12 sessions seemed to have reduced the side effects of anxiety nausea that I went for a second round. The second round enhanced the fear, third reduced it, fourth enhanced it, fifth reduced... I left it there with me and the therapist agreeing there would be no cure for me fear... at least not through CBT.
You see, CBT for phobias is about confronting your fear. You know, that thing where if you're afraid of arachnids you need to touch them. I never got that far. The closest I got was one being in a jar in the room with me. Then the seasons change, bugs and spiders disappear. My body relaxes knowing it's fine then panics again during bug season.
I was told not to leave the room by my therapist when these things appear. Told to keep an eye on them until the anxiety died or I would only validate it. I learned that for me, probably because of the trauma, it made it worse.
It's because CBT teaches you techniques to cope with the anxiety, not deal with the root problem of it. I need something to deal with the root problem.
How C-PTSD Effects My Life
It's hard to determine what is "anxiety" and what is "C-PTSD" because the two interlink. It's not really easy to separate. I have general anxiety, phobia anxiety, and social anxiety. I think the general and phobia anxieties are linked to my C-PTSD. Living with C-PTSD isn't fun because I never know when I am going to have a panic attack. Although, with the help of my support mentor, I have learned to understand what anxiety feels like that I am getting better at determining it and grounding myself either before or not long after an attack.
For me, currently, grounding techniques work better than exposure. I don't try and validate my fear anymore, because the fear isn't the spider... it isn't the bugs or the hair... those are just triggers. Triggers my brain associates with the past. I can't confront my fear physically. The real fear. The one hiding behind the spider or whatever has set me off.
But what I can do is use grounding techniques and hope that they work. Most the time they do. But I am still anxious I'll have a full blown panic attack.
Going out is difficult
My panic attacks are worse around food, so if one of my triggers are around food, then I will most likely have a panic attack before I can implement grounding techniques. It can make me and those around me feel uncomfortable because I'm heaving, people are going to think I am about to throw up. They don't understand. It's not the typical hyperventilating. It's anxiety nausea related to my C-PTSD. Something hardly talked about.
It means I never go on picnics and very rarely take an outside table. So the sun is shining, people want to eat outside. They can't if I am there. Not all of them know why. Because it's mental health. I live in the UK. Talking about your mind is a taboo subject. One I am working on changing for myself at least.
But it means I eat indoors. It doesn't help in the summer though. Bugs come in through the cracks, get into the cafe. It's a difficult time. Stressful. I'm on propanolol, anxiety medication. I'm meant to take it when I feel anxious... but I don't know when the next bout is going to be. Sometimes I have to take three of the propanolol a day.
Anxiety Lasts a Considerably Long Time
As I said before, people with a healthy fear will calm down after their "danger" has passed. Not for me. It builds up. An example is, if a fly was in the kitchen and it touched something. A bowl. The next time I come to use that bowl, I will remember. I will have a full-scale panic attack because of the memory as I reach for the bowl. I'll have to stop myself from getting the bowl and try again.
This can sometimes take me two or three days. Yes. Days. Not minutes. Not hours. And when I do eventually get the bowl, I'll be heaving as I pour my cereal into it. But the only way I am going to be able to use that bowl again is by forcing myself.
The length of time may be extended if I am seeing the triggers day after day or several times a day, because of the summer. Because it's when they're most active. Or because of their species... some, like vampire ones...[anxiety build-up cannot type the name] are worse than others.
EMDR Therapy for C-PTSD
I have just started EMDR therapy. That is eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing therapy. Long name.
EMDR therapy goal is is to process and resolve distressing memories and the associated negative emotions and beliefs that are often linked to traumatic events through stimulation like tapping or finger movement. Research suggests it's beneficial for individuals with C-PTSD, PTSD, abuse, accidents and other forms of trauma.
Because of the stimulation of finger tapping or waving or something like that, I want to wait for a face-to-face appointment. I have a habit, when on zoom or teams, to switch tabs and that won't work for this. I am also not good at showing my emotions on team or zooms. Unfortunately, because I am not budging on the face-to-face, the wait time seems to be getting longer. I was initially told October, and have now been told January.
I am hoping that the EMDR works.
Update: The service I am under for EMDR have decided that they do not have the resources to treat me with EMDR and are now looking at referring me to somewhere that can provide more.
Support Circle
I have family and friends that support me. Family help me with grounding techniques when I am having a panic attack. My friends will talk to me as if I'm not in one (which helps get me out of one). I also have an anxiety mentor that DSA (Disability Student Allowance) funds for me and I talk to her once a week, unless either of us are on annual leave. My PhD supervisors are also really understanding.