I started querying my novel in January and not getting anywhere. So far, I have had 6 rejections, which isn’t unusual. An author can expect to have anywhere between 60-120 rejections before they find an agent. However, the more you get rejected, the more you need to revisit your agent package. So that’s what I have done. And I realised that my book blurb just wasn’t cutting it for me.
If I can’t feel the blurb, how can the agent? So I have decided to revise this part of my query letter to fit. Only, there’s not that many published resources on writing the blurb. Not like there is for writing a logline or premise. It’s usually buried under other things in the agent package.
There are of course blog posts on writing a successful blurb with different bits of advice. And well… which one do you believe?
For this post, I am going to see if I can revise my blurb using tips from Lane Shefter Bishop Sell Your Story in a Single Sentence, as well as little tips I find from other blogs. Combined, hopefully I have something that works.
What is a book blurb?
A book blurb is the thing that goes at the back of a book. The bit you read in shops before you open the book. Although, I also like to look at the first page before buying a book, whether that’s in print or an e-book.
There’s a lot more self-published authors now and with a lot of them only being available on e-book, when I look at their blurb and read their story, I notice that the story and the blurb do not often match. This frustrates me to no end as it comes across as the reader telling me what they think I should know but doesn’t actually happen. The digital only ones are also very long that I doubt they’d for on the back of a published book.
Sell Your Story in a Single Sentence
Bishop’s book really helped me to get my story down to a single sentence premise. The elevator pitch also known as the 30 second pitch or the logline. It’s purpose is to tell the story in a condensed fashion. Usually, less than 25 words.
It has a protagonist or protagonists, what they want and what is at stake. Although, looking at mine, this can be refined more. That will be another blogpost.
Two sisters must chart their own course of fate to survive an impending magical battle between two necromancers of the sea.
One of the things Bishop drums in is the idea that each word costs. When Bishop wrote this in 2016, the suggested amount was $5 (approx £3) but this was also when a stamp cost 80p and not 1.65p, so… for the arguments sake, each word now costs 10 of any currency. A 25 word sentence now costs £250… that’s a heck of a lot of money and you don’t want to go over that budget.
The same can be said with a book blurb. You have a maximum of £2,000 to spend on the blurb but it is expected you’ll spend less. That is what we are going to try and do with my blurb.
The logline must have:
- the protagonist
- what they want
- what is at stake
- be specific
Rules of the book blurb
As I say, there’s not much literature that I can find that just focuses on a book blurb. Maybe the difficulty of it just makes it hard to write. Or maybe it gets knocked to one side because no one likes writing them. But there does appear to be consistency on a number of things.
- They must be in third person.
- They need to be a paragraph length, or 100-200 pages
- Make sure tone matches genre
- Avoid clichés
- A great opening line
- Make it emotional.
My current book blurb
The seventh birthday of Sarah’s daughter upheaves her carefully constructed life and sets events in motion that Sarah and her sister, Grace, are powerless to stop. The sisters are captured by Sarah’s father and his pirate crew. Out in the open waters, another threat looms.
Edmünd Tollak.
A deal has been struck and the necromancer, Tollak has come to collect his dues. Sarah and Grace must survive the Twisted Tranquility and defeat him. Failure will see them lose everything they know. But when he has the power to manipulate the sea and the dying, what can be done to stop him?
My current blurb does mention who the protagonists are, but it’s all over the place. It’s not specific enough because it tells events like Sarah’s father kidnapping her, but that’s not the core of the story. It toys with the idea of conflict but again is too vague. And we have no idea what Sarah and Grace want.
It does, however, follow the rules of writing a blurb. So I did get something right.
Who is the protagonist
Bishop states in her book that there is only one protagonist in most cases. Even when a narrative is told through alternating chapters or scenes, there is usually one that makes the decisions and changes more than the other, but there are exceptions. I think mine is an exception because Sarah and Grace separate for half the narrative and both take charge in their separate elements.
If you do have dual protagonists, do ask yourself if one is more of a sidekick, following along, or if they change and make decisions as well.
What they want
Bishop states that many authors are too broad when they talk about what a character wants. “They want to save the world” is a no. It’s admirable but not achievable, is what I think Bishop is getting at. When people asked me what Sarah wanted, I kept saying she wants to survive.
Too broad. Of course she does… but so what. So while writing this, I thought about it. What specificialy does Sarah want.
Sarah wants to live without fear that her life is mapped out by a prophecy. She wants to know she is safe from the dangers of piracy and necromancy, have a family and be content. She wants to feel safe.
Grace has felt safe the moment she was born. She doesn’t want that, she already has it. But as a woman in the eighteenth century, her identity is ‘wife’ or ‘mother’. She wants to be free to decide who she is. She doesn’t want to be confined in the domestic sphere, and she wants to stop Tollak so he cannot hurt anyone else.
What is at stake
For Sarah, this one is easy. Her freedom and memories. She is on a ship that could literally give her permanent amnesia and could bend her will to that of its commander.
Grace’s journey is more complex. While she doesn’t have the same stake as Sarah in the story, but her quest for freedom is significant. In a world where women had little agency, her desire to escape the limitations of the domestic sphere puts her at risk of losing everything her family.
Revising the book blurb
Now that I know the protagonists, what they want, and what is at stake, let’s revise the book blurb. I have no idea how this is going to turn out but lets see.
For an opening line, I actually like the first sentence of the third paragraph:
A deal has been struck and the necromancer, Edmünd Tollak has come to collect his dues.
It feels strong. It gives a sense of danger and also the genre, minus the ship aspect. But that can come into the next sentence.
Making the protagonists clear:
First, I am going to focus on Sarah:
Sarah is a blood-traitor—born into piracy and afraid for her life, she fled to shore where she carefully constructs a new life to keep her safe. When her daughter turns seven, Sarah is forced to return to the sea and sail under the command of Edmünd Tollak. An immortal sea-captain who has the ability to manipulate the dying and the wills of those bound to him.
Next, I am going to focus on Grace.
Grace has never truly fit within the confines of the domestic sphere, feeling trapped by the roles of wife and mother that society expected her to embrace. Her sister, Sarah, has always been her constant shield against the hostile world. Grace is spared from being bound on the necromancer’s ship when Sarah makes a deal to secure her freedom. Back home, Grace feels disconnected from the world she once knew. Unable to sit still, Grace takes action to stop the necromancer, but she must do so without her sister by her side.
I think that has worked out relatively well. Grace’s section is perhaps a bit long. It was also the hardest to word correctly, compared to Sarah’s, however I think it may have already captured elements that are meant to be in the other sections.
Making sure the characters’ wants are there
Note, want and need are not the same thing. A character may want something, but what they need is totally different. Sarah wants to feel safe but that often means she doesn’t take risks unless forced to. What she needs is to live life and understand risks are not always avoidable. Grace wants to have her own agency and to stop Tollak, she needs to stop relying on her sister to protect her.
Sarah
Sarah is a blood-traitor—born into piracy and afraid for her life, she fled to shore where she carefully constructs a new life to keep her safe. When her daughter turns seven, Sarah is forced to return to the sea and sail under the command of Edmünd Tollak. An immortal sea-captain who has the ability to manipulate the dying and the wills of those bound to him.
This paragraph has yet to mention what she wants.
All Sarah ever wanted was to feel safe but since she can remember, a prophecy has loomed over her head, promising death. Born into piracy and afraid for her life, she fled to shore. Her daughter’s seventh birthday upheaves her newly constructed life and she is forced to return to the sea and sail under the command of Edmünd Tollak. An immortal sea-captain who has the ability to manipulate the dying and the wills of those bound to him.
Grace
Grace has never truly fit within the confines of the domestic sphere, feeling trapped by the roles of wife and mother that society expected her to embrace. Her sister, Sarah, has always been her constant shield against the hostile world. Grace is spared from being bound on the necromancer’s ship when Sarah makes a deal to secure her freedom. Back home, Grace feels disconnected from the world she once knew. Unable to sit still, Grace takes action to stop the necromancer, but she must do so without her sister by her side.
I actually thought this might have her want in it, but I’m not so sure it does.
Grace has never managed to embrace the role society has set out for her but it was all she knew until she was captured alongside her sister, Sarah, who has always protected her from the hostile world. The necromancer’s ship tests their bond but when Grace is almost bound, Sarah makes a deal to secure her freedom. Disconnected from her life at home and no longer wanting to be a submissive housewife, seeks a life outside the domestic sphere. She allies herself with pirates in her pursuit to stop the necromancer and save her sister.
Bit of a long want for Grace… she’s giving me a headache but I think I am getting somewhere.
What’s at stakes
For Sarah, it is her life, her agency and her memories. For Grace, she risks alienating herself from the people she cares about.
Sarah
All Sarah ever wanted was to feel safe but since she can remember, a prophecy has loomed over her head, promising death. Born into piracy and afraid for her life, she fled to shore. Her daughter’s seventh birthday upheaves her newly constructed life and she is forced to return to the sea and sail under the command of Edmünd Tollak. An immortal sea-captain who has the ability to manipulate the dying and the wills of those bound to him.
I sort of have the stake there, the last sentence, but it’s not specific enough. The risk is implied.
All Sarah ever wanted was to feel safe but since she can remember, a prophecy has loomed over her head, promising death. Born into piracy and afraid for her life, she fled to shore. Her daughter’s seventh birthday upheaves her newly constructed life and she is forced to return to the sea and sail under the command of an immortal sea-captain necromancer who has the ability to manipulate the dying and the wills of those bound to him. She must survive the ship or risk being bound to the Edmünd Tollak’s will, losing not only her freedom but also her sense of self and everything she’s ever known.
Grace
Grace has never managed to embrace the role society has set out for her but it was all she knew until she was captured alongside her sister, Sarah, who has always protected her from the hostile world. The necromancer’s ship tests their bond but when Grace is almost bound, Sarah makes a deal to secure her freedom. Disconnected from her life at home and no longer wanting to be a submissive housewife, she allies herself with pirates in her pursuit to stop the necromancer and save her sister. But will the cost be worth sacrificing her family?
Everything together
A deal has been struck and the necromancer, Edmünd Tollak has come to collect his dues.
All Sarah ever wanted was to feel safe but since she can remember, a prophecy has loomed over her head, promising death. Born into piracy and afraid for her life, she fled to shore. Her daughter’s seventh birthday upheaves her newly constructed life and she is forced to return to the sea and sail under the command of an immortal sea-captain necromancer who has the ability to manipulate the dying and the wills of those bound to him. She must survive the ship or risk being bound to the Edmünd Tollak’s will, losing not only her freedom but also her sense of self and everything she’s ever known.
Grace has never managed to embrace the role society has set out for her but it was all she knew until she was captured alongside her sister, Sarah, who has always protected her from the hostile world. The necromancer’s ship tests their bond but when Grace is almost bound, Sarah makes a deal to secure her freedom. Disconnected from her life at home and no longer wanting to be a submissive housewife, she allies herself with pirates in her pursuit to stop the necromancer and save her sister. But will the cost be worth sacrificing her family?
This book blurb is looking good! Except, this has just cost £2,210 because its 221 words. I need to tighten it.
Condensing the blurb
A deal has been struck and Edmünd Tollak has come to collect his dues!
All Sarah ever wanted was to feel safe but since she can remember, a prophecy has loomed over her head, promising death. Born into piracy and afraid for her life, she fled to shore. Her daughter’s seventh birthday upheaves her newly constructed life and she is forced to return to the sea and sail under the command of an immortal sea-captain necromancer as part of her father’s deal. She must survive the ship or risk being bound to Edmünd Tollak’s will—losing everything that makes her who she is.
Grace is captured alongside her sister, Sarah, who has always protected her from the hostile world. When Grace is almost bound to Tollak’s Ship, Sarah makes a deal to secure Grace’s freedom. Grace is unable to adjust to life back home and no longer wants to play the submissive housewife. She allies herself with pirates in her pursuit to stop the necromancer and save her sister. But will the price of her family be worth the sacrifice?
Words: 179, cost £1790. Great, under budget. But it could perhaps be tightened more and improved still. Perhaps putting the two protagonists part together will allow a smoother flow.
Further revision of the blurb
A deal has been struck and Edmünd Tollak has come to collect his dues!
Born into piracy, with a prophecy looming over her head that promises death, all Sarah has ever wanted is to feel safe. That was why she fled to shore seventeen years ago. When her father’s crew attacks Rher, Sarah and her sister, Grace, are captured and traded to the immortal necromancer, Edmünd Tollak, to settle her father’s debt. They must survive the year or be bound to the ship as Shells—losing all memory of who they were before.
Grace has never been one to follow orders. When her defiance almost binds her to Tollak’s ship, Sarah strikes a deal to save her. No longer willing to live as an obedient housewife, Grace seeks out Sarah’s father and joins his crew, determined to stop Tollak before he can bind her sister.
144 words. £1,440. It’s tight, tells who the characters are, what they want and what is at stake.
Conclusion
There could probably be more improvements, but I’m leaving it there for now. It clearly has the character’s wants, the stakes and who they are. It also made it clear that the genre is fantasy, it’s under 200 words, and it avoids cliches and a powerful first opening line. I would say it probably has emotion to it as well. But I’m also too close to it, so I would love your feedback on whether it works and what needs improving!